Milk Bags, Hostage Negotiators, and Hands: The Untold Story of The Breast – A VH1 Behind the Music Exclusive*

Over the years I’ve started to see a trend, one that doesn’t really get talked about. Utilitarian Breasts. Yes that’s right the bra is now a Batbelt, and breasts are the tools within. “What are you talking about?” is probably the question on everyone’s mind. I’m referring to the practice of using breasts as a storage device, or in any other user created, situation specific useful capacity.

Several years ago Master MonkeyT0es and I had a roommate that would keep beer bottles between her breasts in order to have two free hands to do other things (primarily to chase and coddle three large dogs). Over the years I have seen Master MonkeyT0es use their breasts to hold IDs, credit cards, and money in place of carrying a wallet, clutch, or purse. A few months back I saw a video of what I believe to be the Brazilian version of America’s Got Talent where a woman with HUGE breasts used them to smash watermelons, OWWW. Today at the mall I saw a teenage girl with her Crackberry in her chest so she could have two free hands to skillfully scavenge the back-to-school racks at Aero.

Breasts have often been used in society to demean people of all different identities in one way or another. If you have breasts your abilities to navigate a map or do math are somehow automatically compromised. You’re automatically seen as over emotional or irrational. You may be male identified and have to bind them painfully tight so that no one can discover your “secret” and exercise their ignorance and bigotry upon you. You may be male identified and dealing with a physiological condition that society has made you ashamed of. Your physical body is automatically assigned as weak. Your character lesser than. Your breasts are only for nursing purposes, but not in public because it’s “shameful” and “they” reserve the right to kick you out of public spaces for doing so. Heaven forbid you have them and feel comfortable enough to flaunt them and possibly even use them to support you or your family. The Tetanus infested other side of that blade drives into you with the ideologies that you are only valuable if you have large breasts. That they are to be ogled, groped, and exploited.

So where’s the upside for those that have breasts? I think it partly lies in being open to discuss their utilitarian factor. I have found through simply witnessing these novel uses of breasts I have personally become much more comfortable with other people’s breasts, and not in the #tweetcreeper kind of way. Seeing these magical phenomenas makes them simply seem…well…natural.

Another interesting thing that someone (most likely Master MonkeyT0es) exposed me to a few years ago, was a website where someone decorates bras and turns them into purses, or bra bags and sells them. The visibility of bras as just another accessory, with a fun utilitarian approach, also helps with the idea that breasts aren’t shameful, despite the fact that for many bra shopping is made to be a HUGE pain in the ass, and bras are often extremely uncomfortable, especially when the underwire stabs you in the ribs or side boob, or all together snaps.

Breasts don’t fit into the shameful taboo category for me anymore when it becomes painfully obvious that they are like another set of hands. And more importantly, a part of a PERSON. A person with feelings, wants, needs, and desires. A person that deserves respect until proven otherwise, and that factor will have nothing to do with their breasts. A person to be valued and appreciated for their experiences.

So that’s it, I just wanted to state that breasts are cool. Breasts are useful little arms, hands, pillows and situation specific negotiators. Where’s the shame in that? I’ll tell you, THERE ISN’T ANY.

So I want hear about all the wondrous ways your breasts have been your Hero. If you don’t have breasts but would like to share a way in which someone else’s breasts have been a Hero for you, please do.

***********************SO I DON’T GET SUED**********************

*VH1 has NOT consented to or is in anyway (that I am aware of) affiliated with this blog post.
*No one was actually harmed in the wake of Brazilla.


About Lucian D. Grey

I'll try anything once, maybe twice if I wasn't convinced I hated it the first time. I'm open for interpretation and you'll never get to the center of this Tootsie Pop. Otherwise just ask. View all posts by Lucian D. Grey

10 responses to “Milk Bags, Hostage Negotiators, and Hands: The Untold Story of The Breast – A VH1 Behind the Music Exclusive*

  • writerach

    I feel my breasts are the opposite of helpful and useful because they are so very, very big. They are in the way when I want to do things. They do not fit inside of swimsuits. I can only order bras online at Gigantic Boobs R Us, which is not a sexy store. When I’m running (OK…jogging), the coach tries to correct my running posture to run with my hips forward. Have you ever tried to thrust your hips forward past your giant breasts, and then run at about a 30 degree angle, while breathing from the diaphragm? Well, I have, and it’s not easy. I can’t wear button-up shirts; only stretchy ones. Any shirt or dress that looks flattering and professional on someone else, screams “BREASTS! LOOK AT THE BREASTS!” when I wear it. Also, my breasts weigh a million pounds. This is only a slight exaggeration. It might be 900,000 pounds only. If I shower with a friend, I sometimes get them to hold them up for me for a while, and my whole shoulders relax and my breathing eases and my posture changes entirely. But eventually they want to get out of the shower and I have to let them, seeing as it’s against the law to hold people hostage to my breasts. So I appreciate other people’s useful cleavage and breasts…and wish mine fell into that category.

    • Lucian D. Grey

      writerach: I am not sure whether or not it’s appropriate for me to apologize for your…. unhappiness with your breasts, but I can empathize. Not because I have breasts that weight 900,000 pounds or that I have to special order under garments (well that part I do, but not the next part) from Gigantic Boobs R Us, but because I too know what it’s like when the outer shell does not match the inner awesome. All I can say is that you are AMAZING and that is something that your breasts can never get in the way of.

  • freerosestudio

    I use mine for everything! Feeding my kid, getting my way, displaying jewelry, making clothes look good, sometimes they even make money! 😉 I was only blessed with them being large enough to be pockets for a short time, though in college I used to borrow my room mates boobs to hold my stuff!

    Let’s not forget their ability to portray your state of mind. Feeling rebellious? Ditch the bra and let them fly! Feeling young? Hike those babies up with one of Vikki’s secrets! Feeling “sporty”? Smoosh them in a sports bra, duh. They’re like portals to your emotion 🙂

    • Lucian D. Grey

      freerose: “They’re like portals to your emotion.” LOL! Well I have never heard of breasts described that way. I will be on the look out so that I do not get sucked into said portals and end up forever time traveling with no way back home.

  • Honnie

    oh lol.. i guess i did post it lol. well i obviously amended a little.

  • Honnie

    I tried to leave a comment with my ipad… I don’t see it here so I don’t think it worked… So, I will try again.

    Yes, breasts/bras can be great utility belts. But they should not be promoted as wallets.. ever. gross.. the grossest thing a bra wearer can do to a cashier is to pull out a sweaty ass wad of money that they so casually pulled out of their mammary purse, whilst standing opposite the cashier….. YUCK!

    On another note, I am definitely not ashamed to feed my child from my breast in public. I do use a wrap, because when Oliver was nursing he would flail around, pull up my shirt and show off my “nursies” to everyone. I do know some women who were self conscious about it because they have gotten some disapproving stares, or someone may have said something to them. I actually have never had negative responses from anyone while breast feeding my child in public. If I had, I would not hesitate to reply, “If you don’t approve of me *feeding* my child in public then why don’t YOU eat in private, or in a bathroom.” And I think now, it is actually illegal in 43 states to tell a woman she can not breast feed in public.

    Anyway, I totally agree with you, Breasts are awesome! I love and cherish mine! >.<

  • Honnie

    Yes, breast can be a great utility belt… But it’s should not be a wallet, at all. Never. The worst thing anyone can do as a bra wearer, is to hand a cashier a wad of sweaty ass money that they so casually pulled out of their mammary purse, whilst standing at the other side of the counter… Gross. Please don’t promote that usage of breasts and bras. Pretty please >.<

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